Inbox - 9/11 - Thursday
Thursday, November 09, 2006
hardwarezone is a bad influence. everytime some jokes come by it is real corny. but at least you know it isnt a run-of-the-mill joke you heard about a few eons ago.
heehee. so here we go.
==
What job ads really mean
Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Some overtime required: Some every night and some every weekend.
Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality assurance.
Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
Problem-solving skills a must: You're walking into perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
==
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock on the Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
(read the pronounciation of test tickles)
==
A Geylang “Ah-Long” Bookie finds out that his Runner has screwed him out of $500K; his Runner is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf Runner would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Ah-Long goes to shakedown the Runner about his missing $500K, he brings along his Lawyer, who knows sign language. The Ah-Long asks the Runner: "Where is the 500K you embezzled from me?"
The Lawyer, using sign language, asks the Runner where the money is hidden.
The Runner signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Ah-Long: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. That's when the Ah-Long pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the Runner's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!
The Lawyer signs to the Runner: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The Runner signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind carpark C at Mount Faber!
The Ah-Long asks the Lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The Lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
(so the lawyer gets the money and the Ah-Long is sued for killing his Runner)
==
Muthu was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Muthu, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you hit one with your catapult, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Muthu, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Muthu then says, "I have a question for you, teacher. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I.....I guess..... the one sucking the cone ?"
"No teacher," said Muthu, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking too !"
(sucking. think from there)
==
Guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His girlfriend stops reading as he says "Honey, this is the pig I screwed when you have a headache."
His girlfriend looks disgusted and says "I think if you look again you will notice that is a sheep, you idiot!"
And the guy replies "I think if you look again you will notice that I am not talking to you”.
(so the sheep is his new "wife". what a fetish.)
==
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
(now the police will think the guy is in the wrong since he has alcohol in his bloodstream - drink driving)
==
A man is called to an audit. He then asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'
Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'
Replied the buddy.
'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the audit?'
The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
(screwed should be implied as two different meanings)
==
heehee. so here we go.
==
What job ads really mean
Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Some overtime required: Some every night and some every weekend.
Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality assurance.
Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
Problem-solving skills a must: You're walking into perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
==
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock on the Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
(read the pronounciation of test tickles)
==
A Geylang “Ah-Long” Bookie finds out that his Runner has screwed him out of $500K; his Runner is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf Runner would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Ah-Long goes to shakedown the Runner about his missing $500K, he brings along his Lawyer, who knows sign language. The Ah-Long asks the Runner: "Where is the 500K you embezzled from me?"
The Lawyer, using sign language, asks the Runner where the money is hidden.
The Runner signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Ah-Long: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. That's when the Ah-Long pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the Runner's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!
The Lawyer signs to the Runner: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The Runner signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind carpark C at Mount Faber!
The Ah-Long asks the Lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The Lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
(so the lawyer gets the money and the Ah-Long is sued for killing his Runner)
==
Muthu was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Muthu, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you hit one with your catapult, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Muthu, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Muthu then says, "I have a question for you, teacher. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I.....I guess..... the one sucking the cone ?"
"No teacher," said Muthu, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking too !"
(sucking. think from there)
==
Guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His girlfriend stops reading as he says "Honey, this is the pig I screwed when you have a headache."
His girlfriend looks disgusted and says "I think if you look again you will notice that is a sheep, you idiot!"
And the guy replies "I think if you look again you will notice that I am not talking to you”.
(so the sheep is his new "wife". what a fetish.)
==
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So.... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
(now the police will think the guy is in the wrong since he has alcohol in his bloodstream - drink driving)
==
A man is called to an audit. He then asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'
Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'
Replied the buddy.
'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'
The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the audit?'
The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
(screwed should be implied as two different meanings)
==
